


I'm not an asshole?

by rumpelsnorcack



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, SKAM Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 09:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13120638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpelsnorcack/pseuds/rumpelsnorcack
Summary: Jonas takes a few moments for himself to consider his reactions to his best friend being gay.  It occurs to him that he maybe hasn't been the most supportive friend in the past.





	I'm not an asshole?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [projectlookaftereven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/projectlookaftereven/gifts).



> So, this was written as a secret santa gift for projectlookaftereven, who said Jonas and Even were favourite characters and that Isak and Even was a favourite pairing. While set at a Christmas party, this isn't all that Christmassy, but I hope you like it anyway <3
> 
> As usual, gratuitous use of swearing exists within. Enter at your own risk.
> 
> Many many thanks to my beta readers. You're all great people and you inspire me to be better every single day. Particular thanks to Sarah who helped run this event and was very busy and yet still managed to help beta this into shape for me.
> 
> It's 4pm on the 24th for me, which means it's the 24th somewhere else in the world, right? Either way, I'm posting now and I hope you all enjoy this little thing I made.

There was a party humming all around him and usually Jonas would have been in the middle of it all.  Parties had always been a great place to hang out, get high and talk about the shit state of the world with like minded people.  And maybe hook up with a willing girl.  But it wasn’t feeling right to Jonas this time.  All his friends were here, and they were all having fun, making ornaments, drinking gløgg (at least he thought it was gløgg, but who could tell - one liquid in a cup looked much like another, really).  Jonas knew he could join any of the groups, knew he’d be welcomed in and treated with kindness and affection.  That’s just the way this group of people were.  They even welcomed Penetrator Chris, for goodness’ sake, and acted like him and Eva being a thing was a totally normal part of their lives.   Which didn’t bother Jonas  _ at all, _ honestly.  It was just a bit bizarre.

The problem was, Jonas wanted to get away from all of this.  He wanted to take some time out and consider everything.  He felt like shit, to put it one way.  His best friend was gay, and all this time and he had been terrified to tell Jonas about it.  That had been painfully obvious in the nerves sitting around the lines of his mouth and the way he’d refused to meet Jonas’s eyes when he’d told him.  That had been a few weeks ago, so Jonas had no idea why this was all hitting him today.  Maybe it was the way Isak had lit up when Even came into the kitchen.  Or maybe it was the contrast between the ease he had now and the way he’d been back before he’d so reluctantly told Jonas about his ‘thing’ with Even.

Sitting there leaning against the outside wall of Isak’s building, shivering in the cold, Jonas thought back to that day.  He’d handled it basically as well as he could, he thought, but he’d been beating himself up ever since.  One thing Isak had said to him on the walk home had stuck.  Jonas had asked him why he’d been so worried about saying anything and Isak had blushed a deep rosy red and shrugged, stuttering something about gay songs and casual gay slurs.  Jonas had nodded and smiled (because how the hell else do you show support?  Even if a smile had seemed wildly inappropriate at the time), and agreed that must be hard but inside he was frozen, filled with agony.  Because it was true.  Jonas prided himself on being open minded, progressive.  Fuck capitalism and all that shit.  And yet he’d still managed to fuck up so badly that his best friend hadn’t known he could come to him and be accepted.

“Hey,” a voice said from beside Jonas, almost making him jump out of his skin.

“Jesus Christ!” 

The words tumbled out of Jonas’ mouth before he could stop them, which pissed him off since he liked to maintain an aura of coolness and unflappability.  When he looked up to see who had interrupted him, he whined internally.  Of course it was the one person who could never unsettle him, but always tried to.  Isak was standing there with a shit-eating grin on his face.  Asshole was clearly smug about scaring Jonas if the delighted glint in his eyes was anything to go by.  Determined not to give Isak the satisfaction anymore, Jonas squinted up at him as casually as he could.

“What’s up?”

Isak smirked, as if he could feel the deflection.  His body language screamed smug cockiness.

“I just want to score some weed?”

Jonas rolled his eyes.  Isak wasn’t the type to freeze his ass off just for a hit, particularly not when he was last spotted being nauseating with his boyfriend.  So Jonas had no qualms in taking him down a peg.

“Fuck off.  There’s no way you left that room just to freeze out here with some weed.”

Some of the cockiness bled out of Isak’s stance and he suddenly looked a little vulnerable, as if he wasn’t sure he was welcome.  His expression was unreadable when he spoke again.

“Okay then.  I wanted to hang with you; we never hang much anymore.”

“Because you’re so tied up in your boyfriend.”

Jonas immediately regretted what he’d said.  He hadn’t meant to sound bitter, but he could hear it seeping into his tone.  Isak winced, but shrugged, the grin slipping a little.  His voice was contrite when he said, “I’m sorry.  I really do want to hang more.”

Isak’s eyes were wide, and there was a look in them like he knew Jonas wouldn’t be able to hold onto his peevishness for longer than a minute or two.  Jonas glared at him, trying to convey with just his eyes, “you’re a fucking dickhead and I can wait you out,” but Isak wasn’t buying it.  He stood there like he could wait forever, acting like he had not a care in the world.  And maybe he didn’t.  Not like Jonas.  Isak had Even and he seemed happy (almost nauseatingly so, if you asked Jonas, which no-one ever did), which was why the particular impulse towards self-disgust that Jonas was feeling right now was so bizarre.

Sighing, Jonas pulled his stash out of his pocket.  Isak’s eyes lit up as he crowed, “yessss,” and slid down the wall to sit next to Jonas.

They smoked in silence for a few moments before Jonas couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he said, passing the joint to Isak as a peace offering.  Which was still fucking ridiculous because Isak seemed fine.  But this had weighed on Jonas for, like, weeks now and he had to say something.

The look Isak gave him was baffled.  “What the fuck for?”

Jonas couldn’t bring himself to look at Isak as he whispered, “for being a homophobic dickhead and making you think you had to hide.”

He expected to be ridiculed, to have Isak shove him and tell him he was an asshole.  But that didn’t happen.  Instead, Isak took a long drag of the weed and looked over at him.  It took ages before he spoke at all.  And maybe it was a little melodramatic, but it felt like a goddam year of embarrassed and shamed agony before Isak actually said something.

“Yeah, that was pretty shit.”

His voice was calm and controlled but Jonas knew Isak like the back of his hand, and he could hear the wobble in his voice and the strain that sat behind the words.  He flushed, feeling cold shame run through him.  This whole thing sucked.  And Jonas was a fucking terrible friend; where did he even get off being irritated that Isak didn’t spend as much time with him anymore?  He should just ...

“It’s a fucked up thing, though,” Isak continued, his voice a little stronger as he broke into Jonas’s thoughts.  “It was me as much as you.  And it was Elias and his shittiness, and it was a whole lot of stuff with Mamma too.”  He glanced sideways at Jonas and grinned.  “It doesn’t help to blame yourself for everything.  I should know.”  He shrugged.  

“Can you stop being a decent human being for five minutes and let me wallow?”

Trying to quell the emotion that swamped him at Isak’s candid acknowledgment, Jonas made his voice as light and carefree as he could, forcing amusement into the words he actually genuinely meant.  He’d framed it as fake irritation, but underlying it all Jonas really did feel like he’d fucked up.  And it was really unhelpful that Isak was being such a … such a  _ bro _ about it.  Jonas didn’t deserve this casual forgiveness.

“Nope.”  Isak laughed.  Then, as if he sensed the genuine unhappiness hiding behind Jonas’s words, he carried on.  “I’m not going to lie and say it was a great time, or that it didn’t hurt.  Because it did.  All those comments—they got to me, you know?”

And yep, Jonas could hear all that in his voice again.  As always, Isak carefully modulated it to hide his real feelings, but Jonas hadn’t been his friend for so long for nothing.  He could hear the stress, the truth, inside ‘they got to me’ and his heart twisted just a little.

“I can imagine,” Jonas said carefully.  He took another drag of the weed, felt the slight numbing feeling take him over.  The ease and mellowness of the moment emboldened him and he asked, “can I ask a question?”

“Mmmmm,” Isak said, leaning his head back against the wall.  He was obviously feeling the mellow vibe from the weed himself, and there was none of his usual prickliness at the idea of being questioned.

“When did you know?  That you’re gay?”

Isak laughed.  “I wish I knew.”

Surprised, Jonas laughed too.  “What?”

Isak shrugged and looked over at Jonas, his head still leaning back against the wall and a soft smile on his face.  Despite that smile, Isak looked pensive as he answered.

“I have no idea.  I think maybe I knew underneath it all, but I squashed it down because I was scared.”

Another burst of stabbing shame hit Jonas and he could feel himself physically cringing.  Isak wouldn’t have felt like that if Jonas hadn’t kept making those comments.  He could hear them still, the sounds still whirring in his head.  “Are you gay or something?” and “you only know gay songs.”  Around and around, over and over.  As if he knew what Jonas was thinking, Isak grinned.  This time, he did actually shove him.

“Fucking stop it.  I have the hottest boyfriend in the world and meeting him changed everything.  I don’t think anything would have mattered if it hadn’t been for him.  I’d still be in denial, and whatever you said or did wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“I’m the hottest boyfriend in the world, am I?”

Even’s amused voice carried to them from somewhere over their heads.  This time, Jonas wasn’t startled; the weed had seen to that.  So he squinted up at where Even was standing, and said, “hey Even.  I’m not an asshole.”

Isak’s amused laugh rang out and Jonas smiled to himself.  Isak definitely seemed to be okay now.  The way he looked at Even was frankly a bit gross and Jonas didn’t know if he wanted to stay around for it.  Unfortunately, he was very comfortable and couldn’t be bothered moving.

Even laughed too, still standing but somehow closer to Isak than he had been before.  He leaned against the wall by Isak and gently patted his hair as he winked at Jonas.

“Did someone say you were an asshole, Jonas?  You shouldn’t listen to Isak, you know.”

“Fuck you.  You’re an asshole, too,” was Isak’s disgruntled reply, but he didn’t pull away from the hand in his hair so it was obviously a token protest.  

“I thought I was the hottest boyfriend in the world?”

“I really hate you.”

Jonas laughed again, feeling the soft buzz and the happiness that had welled up after this chat.  It hadn’t even been very long, but it was enough.  Isak wasn’t upset at Jonas about all the stuff in the past, and even if he might have been once, he was so caught up in Even now that Jonas was pretty sure he genuinely was over it.  Jonas still didn’t feel like he deserved this forgiveness, but he wasn’t stupid enough to push it.  Isak was happy and that was what was important.  Even if it did mean there was a little less time for hanging out these days.

While Jonas had been wrapped up in his head, the bickering beside him had turned from loving insults to loving endearments and Jonas thought it was probably time to get out of there.  Even had plopped himself down in Isak’s lap, making him laugh.  The laughter had gone now, and Even was leaning in for a kiss.  Isak was looking at him like he’d never seen anything quite so astonishing, as if he didn’t quite believe that Even was really there and really his.  

Jonas suddenly felt like he was intruding.  Which .. fuck them, to be honest.  He was here first, after all.  But when he thought back to how unhappy Isak had been for so long, Jonas couldn’t quite bring himself to be really pissed off.  There were giggles exploding beside him, and it felt so nice to see his best friend so carefree and happy.

“Okay, guys,” he said getting slowly to his feet.  “I’m out.”

“Mmmmm,” Isak said, vaguely waving in his direction.  His focus was so entirely on Even that Jonas couldn’t help groaning.  He hoped this phase didn’t last too long; he’d quite like to see his friend occasionally, after all.

But right now, Jonas wasn’t planning on moping.  It was a party, and he had a great opportunity to find someone interesting, chat them up a bit and maybe hook up.  There must be someone there he didn’t know already.  Isak and his single minded focus couldn’t put a dint in Jonas’ evening, not when there was a whole room full of people he could hang out with, and not when he was feeling so much relief after talking it out, even so briefly.  

So he turned his back on the smiles and the laughter and headed back inside the house, safe in the knowledge that his friend was happy and the past was in the past.

 


End file.
